Since Aerosmith is looking for a new lead singer now that Steven Tyler left to “work on his own brand, Brand Tyler,” I figured I’d help them out and provide them with a job application for the position. I know it’ll be tough, but since “the band is playing hotter than ever,” according to Joe Perry, the author of the gospel of hotness, coincidentally, they have to find a new front man so they can play more of their riveting live shows.
To Joe, Brad, and Tom, here’s the application you should send out. Skip the vocal tryouts; those obviously aren’t important to you guys. Just hand the candidates this brief application and move on. The only answer you should get for all them is “e) all of the above.”
1) When people see you on the street, they often say:
To Joe, Brad, and Tom, here’s the application you should send out. Skip the vocal tryouts; those obviously aren’t important to you guys. Just hand the candidates this brief application and move on. The only answer you should get for all them is “e) all of the above.”
1) When people see you on the street, they often say:
a) “How old is that guy?”
b) “Can you autograph my receipt?”
c) “Jesus, that lady is fucking hideous!”
d) “Sorry, I don’t have any spare change.”
2) After a good show, you’re most likely to say,
a) “That show was Amazin’!”
b) “Yakka-Kow, Yakka Yakka Kow, Aye, Yow!”
c) “Joe, you sucked tonight.”
d) “Why aren’t I going solo?”
3) Your lips can best be described by which statement?
a) They’re as gigantic as horse lips
b) If chickens had lips like mine, they’d want to have no lips again
c) They’re fleshy flaps that spit forth terrible tones
d) Permanently affixed to the ass of better music
4) Your daughter is:
a) nobody special
b) famous only because you are
c) not that attractive
d) someone that calls herself an actress
5) What’s your stand on drug use?
a) I need them to live
b) I almost died using them
c) I’m a better musician and performer when I use them
d) They were cool; what I can remember of them
a) playing a harmonica named Bobo
b) Bobo is the name of a homeless male prostitute and “friend” of the band
b) Bobo is the name of a homeless male prostitute and “friend” of the band
c) Bobo is another name for “the penis of corporate record sales,” and the album
doesn’t make you bob your head, you started bobbing on something else to make it.
d) When Joey Kramer almost blew himself up at a gas station in Scituate , MA
he was driving was nicknamed Bobo. When the Ferrari that had been recalled (but
not serviced) because of a faulty fuel line burst in to flames (because Joey Kramer
didn’t shut it off before pumping gas in to it), Joey was so scared he nearly threw
up on the car.
7) Fans haven’t been paying attention to us since
a) Joe Perry last wrote a guitar solo
b) we stopped touring with Run D.M.C.
c) Garth Algar stopped wearing our t-shirt
d) they went clean
8) When you’re backstage at the Jeff Corwin Experience live show while your kids watch the show with their nanny, and you find a pizza with four hungry stage hands, starved from working to set up the show, crowded around it, you:
a) don’t ask whose pizza it is
b) talk about being starved and how you haven’t eaten a thing all day
c) tell the stage hands this isn’t good pizza, and that you get better stuff
c) tell the stage hands this isn’t good pizza, and that you get better stuff
d) walk out with a second slice in hand, and then complain to management about
stagehands being backstage
9) Once you get tired of touring and you decide to leave us like Steven, you will:
a) not matter at all
b) continue to sing the National Anthem at Opening Day at Fenway Park
single damn year
c) launch a string of doomed businesses, i.e. more restaurants, a clothing line, a
cologne, and maybe a salon
d) make what will, inevitably, be the worst album ever heard by mankind
10) In place of a vocal tryout, please describe your singing style:
a) ex-addict wailing like a wounded mule
a) ex-addict wailing like a wounded mule
b) an angry mother with a hint of Nick Nolte
c) Aretha Franklin after she smoked seven packs of menthol cigarettes
d) a high school cheerleader that lifted too many weights and yelled too many cheers
a) Cheers Tourists
b) closet Yankee fans
c) New Kids On The Block
d) clam chowder food poisoning
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