Aerosmith Job Application

Since Aerosmith is looking for a new lead singer now that Steven Tyler left to “work on his own brand, Brand Tyler,” I figured I’d help them out and provide them with a job application for the position. I know it’ll be tough, but since “the band is playing hotter than ever,” according to Joe Perry, the author of the gospel of hotness, coincidentally, they have to find a new front man so they can play more of their riveting live shows.
To Joe, Brad, and Tom, here’s the application you should send out. Skip the vocal tryouts; those obviously aren’t important to you guys. Just hand the candidates this brief application and move on. The only answer you should get for all them is “e) all of the above.”


1) When people see you on the street, they often say:

a) “How old is that guy?”

b) “Can you autograph my receipt?”

c) “Jesus, that lady is fucking hideous!”

d) “Sorry, I don’t have any spare change.”

2) After a good show, you’re most likely to say,

a) “That show was Amazin’!”

b) “Yakka-Kow, Yakka Yakka Kow, Aye, Yow!”

c) “Joe, you sucked tonight.”

d) “Why aren’t I going solo?”

3) Your lips can best be described by which statement?

a) They’re as gigantic as horse lips

b) If chickens had lips like mine, they’d want to have no lips again

c)  They’re fleshy flaps that spit forth terrible tones

d) Permanently affixed to the ass of better music

4) Your daughter is:

      a) nobody special

      b) famous only because you are

      c) not that attractive

            d) someone that calls herself an actress

      5) What’s your stand on drug use?

      a) I need them to live

      b) I almost died using them

      c) I’m a better musician and performer when I use them

      d) They were cool; what I can remember of them

 6) “Honkin’ On Bobo” is a reference to:

      a) playing a harmonica named Bobo
b) Bobo is the name of a homeless male prostitute and “friend” of the band

      c) Bobo is another name for “the penis of corporate record sales,” and the album   

          doesn’t make you bob your head, you started bobbing on something else to make it.

      d) When Joey Kramer almost blew himself up at a gas station in Scituate, MA, the car 

           he was driving was nicknamed Bobo. When the Ferrari that had been recalled (but

           not serviced) because of a faulty fuel line burst in to flames (because Joey Kramer

          didn’t shut it off before pumping gas in to it), Joey was so scared he nearly threw

          up on the car.

7) Fans haven’t been paying attention to us since

       a) Joe Perry last wrote a guitar solo

       b) we stopped touring with Run D.M.C.

       c) Garth Algar stopped wearing our t-shirt

       d) they went clean

8) When you’re backstage at the Jeff Corwin Experience live show while your kids watch the show with their nanny, and you find a pizza with four hungry stage hands, starved from working to set up the show, crowded around it, you:

       a) don’t ask whose pizza it is

       b) talk about being starved and how you haven’t eaten a thing all day
 c) tell the stage hands this isn’t good pizza, and that you get better stuff

       d) walk out with a second slice in hand, and then complain to management about

            stagehands being backstage

9) Once you get tired of touring and you decide to leave us like Steven, you will:

       a) not matter at all

       b) continue to sing the National Anthem at Opening Day at Fenway Park every

           single damn year

       c) launch a string of doomed businesses, i.e. more restaurants, a clothing line, a

           cologne, and maybe a salon

       d) make what will, inevitably, be the worst album ever heard by mankind

10) In place of a vocal tryout, please describe your singing style:
a) ex-addict wailing like a wounded mule

      b) an angry mother with a hint of Nick Nolte

      c) Aretha Franklin after she smoked seven packs of menthol cigarettes

      d) a high school cheerleader that lifted too many weights and yelled too many cheers

11) Aerosmith: Boston as _______ : Boston:

      a) Cheers Tourists

      b) closet Yankee fans

      c)  New Kids On The Block

      d) clam chowder food poisoning

(Today I Made) A Playlist

For some reason, when I put my iPod on shuffle this morning, the first five songs that came on all had parentheses in the title. As a result, I produced an “All Parentheses Playlist.”

I set some guidelines for this; not just any tune with parentheses can make the list. I put “Kicks” by Paul Revere & The Raiders as the one example of what doesn’t count. Any song that was (Single Version), or (Featuring…), or (Studio Session), etc. doesn’t make the cut. Similarly, all songs had to be over a minute, so a lot of Mike Patton’s solo stuff didn’t make it.

In the cases such as Fishbone, Clutch, Deftones and Elvis Costello, I had several choices, but went with what song I wanted to hear the most today. I didn’t add “The Green Manalishi (With The Two Pronged Crown) by the Melvins either, because the Fleetwood Mac & Peter Green original was simply called, “The Green Manalishi.” Nice try, Buzz.

This turned out to be a decent list of tunes; check it:
 

What Does it Take (To Win Your Love) – Junior Walker & The All Stars
Rise n’ Shine (Epic Doobie Nightmare #1) - Estradasphere

Don’t Let Go (Hold on to what you got) – Bo Diddley

Kicks (Single Version) – Paul Revere and the Raiders

Polizei (zu spat) – Trans Am

Efilnikufesin (N.F.L.) – Anthrax

Psychology is B.S. (Not Science) – Tub Ring

Dancing in the Moonlight (It’s Caught Me in It’s Spotlight) – Thin Lizzy

(Nothing But) Flowers – Talking Heads

Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In) – Kenny Rogers

What Comes Around (Goes Around) – Dr. John

(In the Wake Of) The Swollen Goat – Clutch

1983…(A Merman I Should Turn To Be) – Jimi Hendrix

Summer Romance (Anti-Gravity Love Song) – Incubus

Sell Your Body (To The Night) - Turbonegro

Who is He (And What is He to You?) – Bill Withers

Gonorrhable Discharge (Torment) - Kilbacca

(What’s So Funny ‘Bout) Peace, Love and Understanding – Elvis Costello

E.T.I. (Extra Terrestrial Intelligence) – Blue Oyster Cult

Can’t We All Just Get Along (At The Dinner Table) – Guttermouth

Burr (The Man) – Lake Trout

Invertus Indica (The Marijuana Convictions) – Cephalic Carnage

No Good (Attack The Radical) – Pantera

It’s Alright Ma (I’m Only Bleeding) – Roger McGuinn

Stretch (You Are All Right) - Tortoise

Exit Music (For A Film) – Radiohead

Bang A Gong (Get It On) – T. Rex

You Pick Me Up (Just To Throw Me Down) “Therapy” – Infectious Grooves

The Omen (Ave Satani) – Fantômas

(Ghost) Riders In The Sky – Johnny Cash

Mama Told Me (Not to Come) – Three Dog Night

(Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher & Higher – Jackie Wilson

Tragedy of War (In III Parts) – Company Flow

Good Guys (Don’t Wear White) – Minor Threat

Preaching Blues (Up Jumped The Devil) – Robert Johnson

(High) Visibility – Helmet

C.F.T. (New Circuitry and Continued Evolution) – Isis

Jazz (We’ve Got) – A Tribe Called Quest

Magic Finger (it’s my dink) – James Kochalka

Change (In the House Of Flies) – Deftones

Skinny (It’s Overflowing) – Quicksand

Why? (What’s Goin On) – The Roots

Stubb (A Dub) – Mr. Bungle

Girl (You Captivate Me) - ?& The Mysterians

(Don’t Worry) If There’s A Hell Below We’re All Gonna Go – Curtis Mayfield

Ship of Fools (Stone of Exile) – Secret Cheifs 3

Thank you (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin) – Sly and the Family Stone

Spiral Meningitis (Got Me Down) - Ween

(Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay – Otis Redding

I Know Somethin (Bout You) – Alice In Chains

Spider Baby (Yeah-Yeah-Yeah) – White Zombie

We Have Spy-Tech (We Know) – Mayor Meighnot Administration

? (Modern Industry) – Fishbone

Wake Up (To Yourself) – Weaker Youth Ensemble

Psychology of A.I. (Numbers Follow Answers) – Man Or Astro-man?

(White Man) In Hammersmith Palais – The Clash

Three For Flinching (Revenge Of The Porno Clowns) – Dillinger Escape Plan

(Love Is Like A) Heat Wave – Martha and The Vandellas

Terrible loss

When I worked as a pro audio salesman, I dealt with some very needy, annoying customers, but was also lucky enough to deal with some really great people. One of those people was James Murphy. As a customer, he was handed to me when a coworker left, and I only knew James from his label, DFA Records. About four months in to our relationship, I learned he was also the James Murphy that mixed one of my favorite albums ever, "Futureworld" by Trans Am. Not only is James a great guy, but incredibly talented as well, as demonstrated in his work with LCD Soundsystem.

James and some guys would pop in to the store every now and then, rampage through, grabbing goods for their tour, and treating me extremely well. For some reason, I always seemed to be stuck in the drum department with Jerry, the drummer for  !!! (Chk Chk Chk) at the time. I learned about Jerry Fuchs as time went by, and he was always one of the nicest guys out of the DFA crew, who were all nice guys.

Jerry did some graphics work for Chunklet Magazine , another fabulous production. Jerry also did some freelance work for Entertainment Weekly, and was a hell of a drummer. Unfortunately, I have to put that statement in past tense, as Jerry Fuchs died early Sunday morning after falling down an elevator shaft at a benefit party in Brooklyn. You can read a better synopsis of Jerry Fuchs's life on Chunklet, they do a great write up on him. I barely knew the guy; I just sold him some stuff from time to time. Still, he was a great guy, and I know that a lot of great people (James and the entire extended DFA family) will be suffering with this for a long time. My thoughts and prayers are with Jerry's family, and anyone that knew him. Even though my time with him was brief, it was always a pleasure to see him, and I know he had that affect on just about everybody he met.

Rest peacefully, Jerry.   

Do the housework

Blind Melon – Soup
This album is appropriately named after a comfort food. I started with this one because it’s nice and easy for waking up, but with energy of positive darkness. It’s deep and intimate, yet silly and loose. Like any album you know a lot of words to, this is also a good one for warming up vocal chords.   

Queens of the Stone Age – Queens of the Stone Age
Another good sing along album. By this time, the bedroom was clean, and the hot water had finished its’ morning coffee and was ready to help me wash dishes. Mid scrub on a frying pan I thought about how great it would be if Josh Homme, Nick Oliveri, and Dave Grohl played this album live I would follow them for months. Homme blew it and chased away Oliveri, and now we’re left to suffer the directionless pop disaster left behind.

Faith No More – Album of the Year

It was tough to decide which FNM album to play, but landed on this one mostly for “Stripsearch.” I had finished the first sink of dishes, and since my kitchen doesn’t feature a dishwasher, mine dry by air, so it was off to shave my head and take a shower. Since I had to de-clothe for the shave, “Stripsearch” was an obvious choice. I admit; I didn’t make it through all of “Pristina.” By the time I got back from walking the dog, I wanted to start something new, so, like Jason Hawes from “Ghost Hunters” would say, “on to the next.”  

Baroness – The Blue Record
This album gets better and better every time. Great from start to finish, this was a good soundtrack for putting away the first round of dishes, and most of the second sink full of disgraceful dishes. By the time this was over, so was the second rack of dishes, and only pans to soak.

BREAK TO WATCH FOOTBALL

Megadeth – Peace Sells…But Who’s Buying?
My dog loves this album, as it inevitably makes me play air guitar, and she thinks it’s a game. She especially likes “Devil’s Island,” and, as always, my favorite is “My Last Words.” There’s almost nowhere to go after this one, but thankfully, there’s this band:

Oxes – Oxxxes
My iPod just informed me that I need to re-burn Oxxxes. The first five tracks are alright, but the rest are all short of full songs. What the hell, Apple? Way to ruin a musical Saturday. Actually, thanks, this means I can stop doing housework and watch some more football. Well done.

RIP AIC RHCP

After hearing the latest Alice In Chains single, “Check My Brain,” I emphasize that my previous post about the band being awesome meant they were awesome only with Layne Staley on vocals. The new song is awful, and it’s painful to think I was so blown away by this band when I listened to them in junior high and high school and now they’re releasing piles of wet garbage. It’s the same pain as hearing the Chili Peppers when “Californication” was released. I’ve since gotten over that pain and least attempted to listen to their old stuff with some success, but their new stuff tarnishes it so badly that I can stand only small doses of the music I once loved. Then, I think a little further about albums like “Uplift Mofo Party Plan” and “Mother’s Milk,” and feel as though I should be rockin’ out in my driveway while washing my Camaro or Pontiac Fiero, my cutoff Cobra Kai sweatshirt stained with a perfect V of sweat.

I’m over the loss of the Chili Peppers, because most of their early songs were about themselves, which is fairly intolerable these days. They had a theme song for every album they released, sometimes more, which is ridiculous. Who are you, Suicidal Tendencies? Body Count? I can’t believe bands used to that get away with that. Sure, it was rap-core, or whatever you want to call it, that caused them to boast and make anthems for themselves, but it’s such a cop out, a Cop-Killer-Out in one case. Thankfully, theme songs have mostly disappeared from albums everywhere, so we don’t have to worry about hearing, “Lady Gaga is the Best” by Lady Gaga anytime soon. Maybe she’s a bad example for that, but bands that write songs about themselves is just laughable. Experiences they’ve had together prosed poetically is one thing, but if they’re just singing about themselves, how cool they are, and how much they love to party is cause for instant and permanent dismissal from relevance.

Alice In Chains never made a theme song, but I’d almost rather they did instead of that crap I heard this morning; so much for my early morning desire for bagels, coffee, and radio. Ah well, there’s always bagels, coffee, and iPods.     

Rainy Day, Dream Away, and other things not involving Hendrix.

Tonight’s post is going to be a little half-butted. I just got home from band practice, which went really well, and didn’t really have much energy even before I played drums for a few hours. Despite my current tired, worn down feeling, the last thing I want to do is lie to the Internet and not post something every day. This whole endeavor is a bold, daring, new thing for me entirely, so I don’t want to be pixilated as a prevaricating poop head. Some of my hesitation in starting this was caused by laziness, but the larger part of it was the fact that any sucker with a service provider could write a blog, and my writing is no different than that of other slick typing miscreant hucksters with snake oil potions that, when written, enrapture and cure. The difference is that I lack the element of ego, as those that impersonate prose are full of their B.S., M.S., and Ph.D.’s; that’s Bull Shit, More Shit, Piled higher and Deeper. If I proved myself a liar here, where would I be then? Still on line with the rest of the suckers.

            Tonight’s post is being made while watching the Celtics vs. Cavaliers on DVR and begging my dog to just lie down. Check that, while keeping my dog in her crate and giving the cat some roaming time. I hate to say it, but Bruin is a hell of a cat. Not a hellcat, just a good one. This blog has a point, and I’m getting to that, but let me first say that it’s 3 ^rd quarter action on the DVR, and the Celtics look real good.

            The point is, I listened to bunch of really good rainy day albums today before going to practice; here they are:

Anthrax – Sound of White Noise
            Say what you will about John Bush, this a damn fine album. This is a good one to listen to when you’re angry with Mother Nature but still know better than to kill trees, plants, flowers, and the like.

Fugazi – The Argument
            Their most mature release, this one is sort of like listening to the socio-emo Beatles disbanding. I’m not comparing Fugazi to the Beatles, but just that for their genre, they were the best, and this was probably Fugazi’s finest album.

Murder By Death – In Bocca al Lupo
            After walking the dog in the rain this morning, I came home and removed my soaking wet clothes, feeling as though I were a whaler entering a dim tavern, having just returned from a disappointing hunt. This one’s best served during the eye of the storm, when things are at their most indefinite and haunting.

Tortoise – Beacons of Ancestorship
            Abe Froman was the sausage king of Chicago, and Tortoise is the noise alt rock king of Chicago. “Beacons…” is noisier than “Standards,” which for their sake, was noisy. It’s not as mellow and entrancing as “TNT” or “It’s All Around You,” but still dominates with syncopated precision and pop like hooks.

            That’s about it for tonight. Celtics are still winning (in the past), and I’m more in the mood to watch that than type more. It may have been short, but it wasn’t a lie.  

Listen, you smell something?

Coming soon! Check back soon for show and album reviews.